Fall with Grandma H

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It has been far too long since the last Grandma H post. So I bring you the highlights of this fall with Grandma H…

Grandma H and I snuck in a Wednesday outing in September. I asked her to stop at my bank to make a quick deposit.

She pulls up to the drive-through window. As the teller is processing my transaction, Grandma H tells me, “I gotta go cash a check. I’m broken.”

“Really? And you think cashing a check will fix you?” I ask. “Maybe we need to see a doctor if you’re broken.”

She giggles, “I mean I’m broke.”

The teller is trying so hard not to laugh but a smile breaks out across his face.

****

We go to the library to pick up the new biography that Grandma H is dying to read on Ava Gardner.

She asks the librarian, “Who put the book on hold for me? She was so nice.”

The librarian says, “There’s no name on the hold card. Was it the blonde who works at the circulation desk?”

Grandma H replies, “No, it’s someone sorta important.” She turns to me, “Kour, she was at the podium with you.”

She means the night I had my library talk in June. My mind blanks and then I say, “Suzanne.”

The librarian says, “She’s right there.”

Suzanne waves and says, ย “Hi! We got James Stewart’s biography.”

Grandma H says, “Not interested.”

Suzanne says, “Really? He’s very popular. Most people liked him.”

Grandma H says, “He’s not sexy.”

The entire library burst out laughing.

Grandma H and I leave and she asks, “Why did they laugh? Did I say something wrong?”

I say, “You implied that your reading was based on sexiness. That’s kinda funny for someone your age.”

“Oh, no,” she says, “I just meant he wasn’t sexy so I didn’t find him interesting.”

I laugh.

******

We’re on the front porch talking about a day trip somewhere. My uncle says. “I’m getting a hotel room for the night.”

Grandma H says, “Well you’ll be there alone…with a prostitute.”

The whole family erupts in giggles.

She adds to me, “Can you picture it?”

“I don’t want to,” I say.

My uncle asks, “What did you she say?”

Grandma H responds, “I don’t boil my cabbage twice,” and refuses to repeat herself.

****

Grandma H was talking about how my uncle keeps the yard looking great and says, “You should have him down, cutting your bush.”

I nearly died.

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45 Responses to Fall with Grandma H

  1. Your grandmother is a hoot! It sounds as though there’s never a dull moment when she’s around. Thanks for sharing, Kourtney!

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    “I donโ€™t boil my cabbage twice”—I love that line!

    These are wonderful. Thank you. I’ve missed Grandma H. Great way to start my day!

    • The entire porch erupted in laughter. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’ve been dying to use that line on someone. Me too! The book tour took me away from my outings with her. It was good to cram in some Grandma H time.

  3. davidprosser says:

    What a character. I wouldn’t know whether to die laughing or die of embarrassment.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  4. Arlene says:

    So funny! Thanks for the laughs ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. She just didn’t find him sexy? LOL! I wish I could hear her say such things in person, though you do a primo job of letting us hear her. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Yup. And that was the baseline for her interest in Hollywood actor biographies evidently. President’s wives are subject to a different criteria. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Aw, it is priceless in person. I try to capture a sliver of it here.

  6. Cat Forsley says:

    YAY FOR Grandma H …..
    she is such a rockstar xxxx <3

  7. jmmcdowell says:

    Oh, my God, those are hystericalโ€”especially the last one! ๐Ÿ˜€ I’ve really missed your Grandma H posts, but man was this one worth the wait! Now please excuse me while I wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes!

    • She really cracks me up too. I know. The booktour had me scrambling to stay on top of things, but I did manage to hang out with her a bit in September. It was like she was saving up for me–the hilarity was amazing!

  8. Adorable, your grandma H is adorable! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Sandra Tansley says:

    She Is Just Too Funny. Better Than Betty White. She Just Says What She Feels. Love It. You Have Quite A Grandma.

  10. Sheila says:

    She must keep herself and everyone around her young with all the laughter! Thank you for spreading that laughter around. She reminds me of a friend who’s in her late 70s and has been known to pole dance on occasion. The other day, she was describing her electrician’s jeans as “packed.”

  11. EllaDee says:

    โ€œI donโ€™t boil my cabbage twice,โ€… love it, and it wouldn’t have been funny second time around – Grandma H knows the benefit of comedic timing.
    When I think of Grandma H, the woed ‘unfettered’ comes to mind. A great thing to aspire to but you have to be able to carry it off, as she does so ably ๐Ÿ™‚

    • She really has an instinct for it. That is the perfect word to describe her. Yes, I think it’s the combination of age and sheer force of personality that makes her such a success. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. 4amWriter says:

    I must use that line: “I don’t boil my cabbage twice.” Perfect for husbands who don’t listen the first time. Thanks for the Grandma H tales!

  13. Chris Edgar says:

    Definitely hilarious stuff, thanks — I could certainly use more of the sense of “having nothing to lose” she seems to possess in my interactions with people — she’s definitely an inspiration.

    • I’m not sure how it happened but she is much less concerned about how her words impact others than she used to be. It requires the people around her to adjust their perception. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. Lori D says:

    Awesome, Grandma H.

  15. Laura says:

    I kinda fell off the blog-world for a few months and have missed reading about your grandma! The story about your uncle at the hotel….that is too classic!

  16. Tuan Ho says:

    I love that “I don’t boil my cabbage twice” line. Gonna remember that one! ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Pete Denton says:

    They are great and made me laugh. Thanks for sharing. ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. K. Lyn Wurth says:

    I’ve missed Grandma H’s (and your) synergistic sense of humor. Greet her from her biggest Iowa fan. And I’m going to have to use that “I don’t boil my cabbage twice” line, too.

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