Things Grandma H Said

I’m sitting at the kitchen table with Grandma H and she tells me, “We have to go back to the cemetery. We made a mess of the graves.”
My jaw drops.
“We put those fake flowers where the crocuses will come up. And the crocuses haven’t come up yet because they know they aren’t supposed to.”

The heater pings.
My mom asks, “What was that?”
Grandma H says, “The spirits.” She bursts out laughing. “No, just the heater.”

We are at a little picnic at my aunt’s house. My dad moves his chair back near the sliding glass door.
Grandma H says, “Don’t sit there, you’ll back into the glass and get decapitated.”
I ask, “Decapitated?”
She nods. “His head will come right off.”

We are talking about my grandfather’s bad driving.
Grandma H says, “He couldn’t really move, he had a fat neck. Seventeen and a half.”

Grandma H tells us about her last trip to the casino. “A guy sat down beside me. He had a scab on the side of his head. I couldn’t help looking at it.”
“What did you say?” I ask.
“Somebody hit you?”
“What did he say?” I ask.
“No, I fell on the floor,” she says. “So I told him, ‘It looks painful.'”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing. He got up and moved away from me.”

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41 Responses to Things Grandma H Said

  1. kathils says:

    I just love your Grandma H posts! What a hoot. She sounds like an awesome lady. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks! She is one of the funniest people in our family. After she hit 80, she just started saying whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. It’s been quite a fun experience. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • kathils says:

        It’s not fair. When your her age you can get away with that. Those of us who sometimes lose the filter on our mouths at a younger age get into trouble. ๐Ÿ˜‰ It’s great you have such a close relationship with her. Treasure the moments. (And keep sharing!)

        • I know, it’s a while off. Start blaming old age after 50 I say. (Even if it’s middle age) That gets people ready for what is to come! I’m really lucky we get this time together. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. springfieldfem says:

    I just laughed out loud. Before coffee. This makes me want to call my grandmother right now. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • She keeps me and my mom pretty entertained. As she’s gotten older she’s lost her edit button. The things that fly from her mouth. ๐Ÿ™‚ Aw, give her a call. Hope she makes you smile too.

  3. Cat Forsley says:


  4. themadgayman says:

    I love your Grandma H. She sounds like a hoot. Sadly, my grandmother passed before she could tell me all the crazy things she thought. My other grandmother… she’s just not that kinda grandma, if you know what I mean.

    • Grandma H has always been a quirky grandma. Never knit or baked cookies. I’m really lucky to have her around still. I’m sorry you didn’t get more time with your grandmother. Each grandma seems to be cut from their own cloth.

  5. zelmare says:

    Sounds like there’s never a dull moment with grams around. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. crubin says:

    Such is the power of good writing. Just look at how you’ve made me fall in love with your Grandma H! I actually smiled and sat up straight when I saw the title of your post in my inbox. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. It's the little things that make life great.berry says:

    She is a pistol. Please write a book about her. It will be a best seller.

  8. Debra Kristi says:

    Ah. She sounds delightful. โค

  9. klynwurth says:

    Grandma rocks. I hope when I’m her age, somebody listens to me the way you listen to her, Kourtney.

  10. jmmcdowell says:

    I always enjoy these stories. Guaranteed to bring a smile!

  11. winsomebella says:

    Down the road a bit, you will cherish her words. I am glad you are collecting these memories for yourself and happier still that you are sharing the fun with us ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I’m sure I will. I’ve kept her cards and letters over the years but she’s so much funnier in person. Writing it down makes it permanent. No matter how short the moment was. Glad you are enjoying the bits of conversation I share. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Ha! That neck bit nearly sent tea spewing out my nose. (You’re welcome for the visual. ;)) I love Grandma H. Thanks for sharing her with us!

    • Sorry August! It was so funny. No lead in, no explanation she just blurts stuff out and you kinda put the pieces together. Aw, I loved your interview with your mom! Glad you like my Grandma H stories she giggles when I tell her she has a blog following. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. hugs to Grandma H ( who probably thinks we are all nuts) – but some of us miss our grandmothers’ sudden blurts of wisdom and hilarity – some day you’ll be glad you recorded all these.

  14. Ottabelle says:

    Your grandma seems so interesting!

  15. 4amWriter says:

    I Heart Grandma H.

  16. Emmie Mears says:

    Pahahahaha…the decapitation discussion made me guffaw.

    • Grandma H loves to throw down a big word every now and again. Though getting decapitated by a sliding glass door is a bit horror storyish. But she’s got a fertile imagination. ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Hehe I think a guest post from her is in order ๐Ÿ™‚

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