Every run of good luck comes to an end.
Today, I must confide a sad fact. My phone did not ring on May 14th. My email did not get a note from Amazon. I did not advance to the finals (Top 3) in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award Contest.
I still get to retain my title of semifinalist (Top 50). I still get to keep 3rd prize and 2nd prize. I got to place in the contest. That’s pretty awesome. I’ve been able to add it to my bio paragraph in my query letter. I have more writing credentials. Logically, I am thrilled that I made it one round, let alone 3 rounds in this contest.
But when the phone didn’t ring, sadness settled over me. My mind knew it wasn’t the end of the world. There was still laundry to be done. Queries to be sent out. And that gosh darn sun would rise the next day like nothing happened.
Inside, it just felt like the end of my world right now. At 34, I felt the searing sadness of a teenager. Like everything was collapsing inward.
It was the death of a hope. After making it three rounds, I thought I had a shot at the finals. Granted only 20% advanced each round. And as a semifinalist, I only had a 6% chance of making it to the finals. So mathematically, my hope should have dwindled.
I had this really intense dream a week and a half ago too. I saw on a computer screen that I did not make the finals. And I woke up so downtrodden and certain that I hadn’t made them. I tried to shake the feeling and say it was only a dream, but it felt too real. Maybe it was intuition or my mind preparing me for the probable loss.
I am so grateful to have been in the contest and really appreciate the Amazon and PW reviews. For a free contest, I gained so many fantastic prizes.
But this week, I’m going to let myself feel the loss. Appreciate the previous wins. And know there’s another route to publication for me.