The Things My Grandma Says

Today Grandma H and I went on our weekly outing. I needed to drop off two snail mail queries for agents at our local post office.

Grandma hates parking. She pulls in and goes “Uh-oh.”

There’s a freaking oil truck taking up four spots. Luckily there are two spots open. I point to them and say, “There’s two spots.”

Grandma pull into both spots. Literally. The middle of the car is on the line between the spots. I look at her. “I didn’t mean take two spots. You should have picked one.”

She shrugs and cuts the engine. “Just go mail your stuff.”

A while later, we are driving down the main road, Wolcott Road, and she sees signs that say Road Work Ahead.

“I’m not going that way,” she says.

I look down the road. “The roadwork is on the other side.”

“I don’t care.” She puts on her blinker to take Sharon Rd.

There’s a guy in front of us and we have a green light but it’s a left hand turn and there is oncoming traffic. He edges up. She edges up. He turns and she is right on his butt. I see the oncoming traffic and gasp.

“I saw them. We had enough time.”

I mutter, “We always do when it’s my side of the car.”

She says, “I’d have swerved into a car to save you.”

“Great so we’d be hit on both sides.”

She starts laughing.

As we pass a field on Sharon Road, she tells me, “A man committed suicide there 80 years ago.”

I ask, “How did he commit suicide?”

“He was having an affair with the neighbor’s wife.”

I ask, “He committed suicide while having sex?” This is a kinky story.

She shakes her head. “No, I’m telling the story from the beginning.”

“Ah. It would have helped if you said that.”


We get to the mall and go to Olive Garden. There’s a line and the prices are higher than IHOP. So we go to our place, IHOP.

I order the above which is “Green Eggs and Ham” and is part of their The Lorax related specials. I loved Dr. Seuss.

So I tell her, “I’m having green eggs and ham.”

She looks at it. “So you are. That’s like the Dr. Seuss books I used to read Paulie.”


“I think I read them to you too.”

Grandma H has a coupon that when she spends $25, she gets 2.50 off the bill at the grocery store. So we go over. We get the items she needs but they tally to $18. So I show her Chobani yogart 4/$5.

“What flavors do they have?” she asks.

“Strawberry,” I say.

“Your aunt can’t have seeds.”

“I thought these were for you.” Strawberry is her favorite flavor. But I switch to selecting flavors for Auntie.

“What else?”







“What’s that lemon one?”

“Pineapple,” I say.

“I’ll take it.”

“Should I get another vanilla? You need four.”

“What happened to the strawberry?” she asks.

“You said Auntie couldn’t have that.”

“That’s for me. Two are for her, two are for me. And I want the strawberry.”

“Okay.” I grab it and add it to her cart. Our total comes to 24.18 after the $2.50 discount.

Last weekend it was the anniversary of my grandfather’s death, we saw my aunt at the cemetery by his grave. We pulled in to see her and Grandma H was sitting in the car. Grandma H saw us and leapt out.

“Your grandfather died today. Five years ago.”

I nod.

She waves toward his gravestone. “Go Pray.”

I look at her. She knows I’m not Catholic.

She dissolves into giggles and doubles over.

My mom looks over. “What’s going on?”

Grandma H and I are giggling like kids.

“Nothing I say.”

Grandma H chuckles and gets back in the car.

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