The Things My Grandma Says

Today Grandma H and I went on our weekly outing. I needed to drop off two snail mail queries for agents at our local post office.

Grandma hates parking. She pulls in and goes “Uh-oh.”

There’s a freaking oil truck taking up four spots. Luckily there are two spots open. I point to them and say, “There’s two spots.”

Grandma pull into both spots. Literally. The middle of the car is on the line between the spots. I look at her. “I didn’t mean take two spots. You should have picked one.”

She shrugs and cuts the engine. “Just go mail your stuff.”
****

A while later, we are driving down the main road, Wolcott Road, and she sees signs that say Road Work Ahead.

“I’m not going that way,” she says.

I look down the road. “The roadwork is on the other side.”

“I don’t care.” She puts on her blinker to take Sharon Rd.

There’s a guy in front of us and we have a green light but it’s a left hand turn and there is oncoming traffic. He edges up. She edges up. He turns and she is right on his butt. I see the oncoming traffic and gasp.

“I saw them. We had enough time.”

I mutter, “We always do when it’s my side of the car.”

She says, “I’d have swerved into a car to save you.”

“Great so we’d be hit on both sides.”

She starts laughing.

As we pass a field on Sharon Road, she tells me, “A man committed suicide there 80 years ago.”

I ask, “How did he commit suicide?”

“He was having an affair with the neighbor’s wife.”

I ask, “He committed suicide while having sex?” This is a kinky story.

She shakes her head. “No, I’m telling the story from the beginning.”

“Ah. It would have helped if you said that.”

*****

We get to the mall and go to Olive Garden. There’s a line and the prices are higher than IHOP. So we go to our place, IHOP.

I order the above which is “Green Eggs and Ham” and is part of their The Lorax related specials. I loved Dr. Seuss.

So I tell her, “I’m having green eggs and ham.”

She looks at it. “So you are. That’s like the Dr. Seuss books I used to read Paulie.”

“Yup.”

“I think I read them to you too.”

*****
Grandma H has a coupon that when she spends $25, she gets 2.50 off the bill at the grocery store. So we go over. We get the items she needs but they tally to $18. So I show her Chobani yogart 4/$5.

“What flavors do they have?” she asks.

“Strawberry,” I say.

“Your aunt can’t have seeds.”

“I thought these were for you.” Strawberry is her favorite flavor. But I switch to selecting flavors for Auntie.

“What else?”

“Blueberry?”

“No.”

“Vanilla?”

“Okay.”

“Mango?”

“Okay.”

“What’s that lemon one?”

“Pineapple,” I say.

“I’ll take it.”

“Should I get another vanilla? You need four.”

“What happened to the strawberry?” she asks.

“You said Auntie couldn’t have that.”

“That’s for me. Two are for her, two are for me. And I want the strawberry.”

“Okay.” I grab it and add it to her cart. Our total comes to 24.18 after the $2.50 discount.

*****
Last weekend it was the anniversary of my grandfather’s death, we saw my aunt at the cemetery by his grave. We pulled in to see her and Grandma H was sitting in the car. Grandma H saw us and leapt out.

“Your grandfather died today. Five years ago.”

I nod.

She waves toward his gravestone. “Go Pray.”

I look at her. She knows I’m not Catholic.

She dissolves into giggles and doubles over.

My mom looks over. “What’s going on?”

Grandma H and I are giggling like kids.

“Nothing I say.”

Grandma H chuckles and gets back in the car.

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33 Responses to The Things My Grandma Says

  1. Laura says:

    I love grandma’s! My granny was such a fun lady. My Memaw is awesome but she’s a bit of a curmudgeon .

    • They are the best. There is a certain point where they start operating on ornery. I tell my grandma, “Please don’t open with mean when the waitress comes.” She looks at me and then says, “I don’t.” Then I repeat something she said to the waitress last time and she laughs and says I’ll be nice. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. themadgayman says:

    Your grandmother sounds like a hoot. It’ll be eight years since my grandmother passed in April. I miss her tons because we used to talk about all the books we read through the week. She loved hearing me rehash stories, especially since they were Young Adult and she wouldn’t read them herself. Grandmas are wonderful role models, I think.

    • She’s a sassy old broad. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I love her. As she’s gotten older, she’s gotten so much more comfortable being herself. It’s fun to see someone so comfy in their own skin. I’m sorry to hear your grandma passed. That’s a wonderful bond over books. Mine hates fiction. Won’t read it. Doesn’t like it. But we do go to the library and she gets memoirs and I get YA still! I agree, they are truly great forces in our lives. I’m very lucky mine has been around so long. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Hmmm Sharon Road, Wolcott. My guess Charlotte. My grandmother lived at Sharon Towers until her death. Great area. Even better story. Enjoy her while you can.

  4. Lisa Hayes says:

    You’re blessed to have such a close relationship with your Grandma! ๐Ÿ™‚ And I love the differences shown that such an age spread can bring and then the unity.

    • Lisa, I’m really lucky to have this time with her as an adult. Growing up, I would go to her house after school. But as a kid, I didn’t appreciate her as a person. She was grandma. Now we get to know each other. And we laugh all the time. Our disconnects are so funny but we always power through them.

  5. Very good post, i found it very interesting to read and it was well written. Hope to read more of your work in the future.

    Thanks great info !

  6. crubin says:

    Love these posts on your grandmother! Keep them coming!

    Does your grandmother have an accent? In my mind, she does, so I’m just curious ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Aw thanks! I want to record the moments with her too.
      Nope, but she was first generation born in this country. She can still speak Russian though. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • crubin says:

        Hmmm, I’m hearing Hungarian in my head. I might be able to shift it to Russian, but at this point, I don’t think I’ll be able to banish the entertaining Grandmother accent I’ve conjured ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Well, her family originally came from the Austro-Hungarian empire. So I guess that works. ๐Ÿ™‚ If I ever write a book about her and get a movie movie deal, I’ll get a Hungarian accented actress to play her. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Cat Forsley says:

    VERY sweet ———– I can almost hear Her speaking To you ——- Like A scene in a film for sure —— ๐Ÿ™‚ Love it xx

  8. sweetmother says:

    aw, she sounds really fun.

  9. It's the little things that make life great.berry says:

    What a delight she is. You are lucky to have her. Sounds like laughs galore. Treasure those moments.

  10. jmmcdowell says:

    These are such fun posts to read, Kourtney. Do you ever work any of the dialog into your work? It’s so natural and humorous in a nice way.

    • Thanks! Glad you like them. Some of it does trickle into my dialogue between characters. Especially the misunderstandings. They are so funny. Grandma H helps me create better dialogue. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. This post was so lovely – touching and humorous! What a special relationship to have. I hope she provides the materials for more posts in the future ๐Ÿ™‚ Hehehehe.

    • Thanks for stopping by! Nice to know when the posts are funny and touching. ๐Ÿ™‚ Ofc, I think everything she does is hysterical and adorable. Even when she gets snarky with waitresses. I try to do a post or three a month about her. She’s the break from my work that I need. We only go out to run errands for a few hours a week but were like school chums stirring things up and getting into trouble.

  12. Ha! I love your grandmother and this post. My grin burst into giggles at “I’m telling the story from the beginning.” ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for sharing her with us.

    • She really deserves a story of her own. She’s so quirky. I treasure our ridiculous moments together. I was giggling at that point too. She doesn’t back down or do things any way but her own. ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad you enjoy her as much as I do!

  13. 4amWriter says:

    What an awesome day and an awesome grandma. My favorite grandma died a few years ago, and whenever we reminisce about her it is always something to do with how quirky she was. She was definitely the light in my life growing up.

    Your little stories are so heartwarming and funny and uplifting. You are a wonderful granddaughter in that you have a weekly outing with your grandma. I don’t think that happens much anymore these days. So, thumbs up to you Kourtney!

    • She’s a blast. Aw I’m sorry to hear about your grandma passing. But it’s wonderful that you have great memories of her. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Kathryn, I missed out on a lot of time with my grandma. I went away to college and moved to NY, and then San Diego then back to NY. I wasn’t in CT much until I got laid off and moved back in with my parents. As soon as I got back to CT, Grandma H said let’s go out on Wednesdays. And we’ve been doing it for over a year now. Despite not having a job, I’m really grateful for the time with her. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. mj monaghan says:

    Those stories are fabulous, Kourtney. I just love the banter back and forth. You both are my kind of women. I could totally join in to those conversations and add some really good sarcasm and snark. What a blast!

    I just don’t know how you can remember the dialogue. That is a true gift, my friend!

  15. Pingback: Five Years of Blogging | Kourtney Heintz's Journal

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