Grandma H Moments of December

I get in the car with Grandma H and pull out my lip balm. (It’s in a tube)

Grandma H asks, “Is that lipstick?”

“No,” I say, “It’s lip balm.”

“You could put on a little lipstick.”

“I don’t like lipstick. It dries my lips out.”

“But you’d be so pretty with a little lipstick,” she insists.

“I’m good with chapstick.”

“But you could put on lipstick.”

“I could also have sex with ten men,” I say.

She giggles. “Well, sex with ten men sounds better than lipstick.”

I burst out laughing.

*******

We are shopping in the mall at Sears in CT. She is drawn to a boucle tan sweater jacket.

“Oh, this is nice,” she says.

I check the price tag. “It’s 120.”

“Dollars?!”

“No pesos,” I say.

She bursts out laughing.

*****

We are in IHOP talking about my eating low carb again.

She says, “You look good, stick to it.”

“I plan to.”

“Maybe you can get a boyfriend?” she asks.

“Yeah, once I lose the weight. I’m just not comfy getting naked in this body.”

With extreme vehemence, she says, “Oh no.” And shakes her head.

“It’s not that bad,” I say.

She realizes how disgusted she sounded and starts to laugh. That silent shoulder shaking, going to pee myself kind of laugh.

I can’t help joining in.

******

I stop by Grandma H’s house and she’s sitting at the table drinking orange-red colored stuff.

I ask, “Is that tomato juice or sauce?” (This is a valid question with Grandma H)

“It’s something eight,” she says.

“Something eight?” I ask.

My mom jumps in. “V-8.”

“Ah,” I say.

******

We are at IHOP and I tell her how people keep asking me where my cousin has been. It’s annoying.
Grandma H says, “Tell them he has toemain poisoning.”

“Toe what?”

“Toemain poisoning. It’s a real thing. Google it,” she tells me.

I look it up. It’s spelled ptomaine poisoning and you get it from canned foods.

So I ask, “Where did you learn about that?”

She shrugs. “TV.”