I get in the car with Grandma H and pull out my lip balm. (It’s in a tube)
Grandma H asks, “Is that lipstick?”
“No,” I say, “It’s lip balm.”
“You could put on a little lipstick.”
“I don’t like lipstick. It dries my lips out.”
“But you’d be so pretty with a little lipstick,” she insists.
“I’m good with chapstick.”
“But you could put on lipstick.”
“I could also have sex with ten men,” I say.
She giggles. “Well, sex with ten men sounds better than lipstick.”
I burst out laughing.
*******
We are shopping in the mall at Sears in CT. She is drawn to a boucle tan sweater jacket.
“Oh, this is nice,” she says.
I check the price tag. “It’s 120.”
“Dollars?!”
“No pesos,” I say.
She bursts out laughing.
*****
We are in IHOP talking about my eating low carb again.
She says, “You look good, stick to it.”
“I plan to.”
“Maybe you can get a boyfriend?” she asks.
“Yeah, once I lose the weight. I’m just not comfy getting naked in this body.”
With extreme vehemence, she says, “Oh no.” And shakes her head.
“It’s not that bad,” I say.
She realizes how disgusted she sounded and starts to laugh. That silent shoulder shaking, going to pee myself kind of laugh.
I can’t help joining in.
******
I stop by Grandma H’s house and she’s sitting at the table drinking orange-red colored stuff.
I ask, “Is that tomato juice or sauce?” (This is a valid question with Grandma H)
“It’s something eight,” she says.
“Something eight?” I ask.
My mom jumps in. “V-8.”
“Ah,” I say.
******
We are at IHOP and I tell her how people keep asking me where my cousin has been. It’s annoying.
Grandma H says, “Tell them he has toemain poisoning.”
“Toe what?”
“Toemain poisoning. It’s a real thing. Google it,” she tells me.
I look it up. It’s spelled ptomaine poisoning and you get it from canned foods.
So I ask, “Where did you learn about that?”
She shrugs. “TV.”
TV – used to be the font of all knowledge, now it’s Google. What next?? 🙂
LOL. I still remember when it was encyclopedias. 🙂
I love your Grandma posts 🙂
Thanks! She really is a hot sketch. 😉 Love my afternoons with her.
Haha! You’ve got to put her in a book! Priceless.
She really deserves a character. I just haven’t found the right story yet. 😉
Thanks for my Grandma H fix. Let’s hope she doesn’t get ptomaine from her V-8. Or IHOP. 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it! OMG wouldn’t that be the worst. At least she could tell you what the disease was even if she couldn’t say where she got it. It would be something 8. BTW, she called IHOP Hopscotch. It’s amazing. 🙂
I bet she knows what chilblains are. Ask her. Of course, she might call them chili pains…
LOL. I will ask her. Lord only knows what she calls them. 😉
I think my grandmothers would have dropped from heart attacks if I joked about having sex with 10 men! 😀 Although, my very proper European maternal grandmother once told my dog, who was trying to lick her face, “Oh no, I know where that tongue has been.”
I hope you and Grandma H both have a wonderful Christmas. And you can tell her your blog buddies are all looking forward to more fun stories in the New Year!
LOL. She’s grown accustomed to my dirty sarcasm. 😉 Her response, however, totally took me off guard.
Aw thanks. I hope you have a lovely Christmas too! I’ll be sure to let her know she is much beloved in cyberland. There should be more good stuff over the holidays. Fingers crossed. 🙂
Grandma H never fails to disappoint me. 🙂 I saw the title of your post in a sea of other email notifications of blogs, and I immediately jumped to this one first. 🙂
Me neither. It’s a guaranteed laugh when we go out. Aw so glad Grandma H is at the top of your must reads. 😉 She brightens my days too.
And at the end of the day 🙂 woooohoooooooooooooooo 🙂
she is just the coolest lady 🙂
I am seriously looking forward to the next post on her – because i read this on email this morning and she and YOU – of course 🙂 xo
stayed with me alllllllllllll day !
I would love to hear her say those words to You – 🙂
i bet she has the cutest voice ……:) and the IHop conversations – seriously amazing show material 🙂
🙂 🙂 🙂 love you K heart ………….
Tell grandma H – she is funnier than most stand up comedians ….
she is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 xoxoxoxo C
Aw thanks! I’ll try to do them more often. She is very popular here. 😉 Glad we stayed with you all day. She’d laugh and slap her knee if I told her that.
It really is all in the delivery. She could have been another Joan Rivers.
She has a great voice. Ihop is where it all goes down. That and the car rides.
Love you Miss Catherine.
She told my mom yesterday that she wished she’d been a comedian. She has terrific timing.
Hugs,
Kourtney
It’s all in the timing 🙂 you’re soooo right ………….
“Ihop is where it all goes down” …LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL 🙂 such a visual ……………
You’ve inherited her timing 🙂 xxx seriously CUTE ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:) love xxx and yes – all day i was giggling about tubes and ten men and v8 minus the v ……..xxxx
love you tons xxxxxxxxx
🙂
Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging out with my girlfriend and getting into trouble together. 🙂 We have these candid conversations and whoop it up at Ihop. Aw thanks. It was so bad of me to say but the thing was she took it completely in stride and derailed me. 🙂
Lots of love XXXXXXX
Kourtney
TOO MUCH! Ha. I love it, Kourtney. That sex with ten men bit about knocked me over. 😉 Hope you’re having a brilliant week!
I was trying to shock her. LOL. Failed miserably. She however shocked me with her reply. 🙂 Grandma H wins again. 🙂 It’s going well here. Hope your week is going super well and that your trip to MN goes smoothly. 🙂
Pricesless! I love these stories, they always crack me up.
She is the treasure of our family! And she only gets better with age. 😉
YOu’ve got to write a book about her!
I know. 🙂 Just haven’t found the right book yet. 😉
December isn’t over yet… there’s still Christmas Day 🙂
True but she’s better one on one than in a big group. 🙂 She’s a little more careful about what she says. Still she might come out with a good zinger.
Grandma H is such a jewel! We all want to hug her…you’ll just have to do it for us (you have all the fun, Kourtney!) Merry merry!
Thanks Karen! She’s one of the best characters in my life. 🙂 I’ll give her a big hug this weekend when I see her. Merry Merry and happy holidays! 🙂
What a stitch!
Never a dull moment around her. 🙂
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