Ladies Hold Your Man Accountable

Here’s something I’ve never understood. When a guy cheats on his wife/girlfriend, why does she always blame the other woman and not the man?

The man is the one who made promises to her. Commitments to her. He’s the one who is supposed to treat her with respect. He’s the one who claims to care for her.

But the wife/girlfriend always attacks the other woman. As if the guy is a powerless pawn in the evil other woman’s plot to steal him away.

Ladies, that “other woman” doesn’t have any commitments to you. She never made promises to you. Heck, she might not even know you exist. Or “your man” may have told her how unhappy he is and that he’s on the brink of leaving you.

But somehow, you make her the object of your fury. Not him. Never him.

I don’t understand. What’s going on in your mind? He’s the one who broke your heart, broke your trust, broke your relationship. Not her. She doesn’t even have a relationship with you.

And yet you will go to the ends of the earth to win back “your man.” The man who lied, cheated, and hurt you. Why? Why do you want someone who disrespects you?

And you’ll demonize that woman. Call her a slut and a whore. But him, what about him?

He’s a liar, a cheat, scum of the earth. But you’ll look beyond that.

Why?

Is it that scary to be alone? Or is it that you can’t bear to lose him because you’ve already lost all your self-respect?

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38 Responses to Ladies Hold Your Man Accountable

  1. Cause we love him. But we don’t love HER. I agree with you, it’s the guy who’s to blame, but the Other Woman needs to shoulder some too, if she helped knowingly to deceive and hurt someone. Likewise, of course, the Other Man.

    • It’s easier to hate her, but she is not the one who broke trust. If she knew the wife/girlfriend then yes she definitely shares in the blame because she did have a relationship with the wife/girlfriend too. But the thing about “the other woman” is that she only knows what the lying, cheating guy told her. And lots of times, it’s lies. About how miserable he is and how he is on the brink of leaving the wife/girlfriend. She’s been suckered in by him too. I just don’t like the demonizing of the other person so the cheater can be forgiven. That irks me. If you hate the other woman, you should hate your significant other ten times more. Same goes for “the other man.”

  2. 4amWriter says:

    Your guess is as good as mine. I think part of it is that women are so competitive from a young age when it comes to everything, not just men. They are mean to other girls if they aren’t part of the popular crowd, if they look or act different than what’s trendy or cool. But it does go way back to when we’re little girls. I felt it when I was a kid (I was always the oddball). And I see it happening to my little girl or to girls her age. And she’s only 9, but problems with clicks and popular groups and fads cropped up when she was 6 years old.

    We’re taught to fight each other, not to embrace each other, for the most part. And women are terrified of being alone (they get called old maids, spinsters) whereas the guy is simply a bachelor.

    There is a lot of pressure for women to succeed, to have a family, to have a career and she doesn’t want to alienate the one guy who might come back to her in the end. It is safer to claw and scratch the woman who took him, because at least she’s getting her anger out but still not telling the guy ‘don’t come back’. She’s keeping the door open that way.

    It doesn’t make sense, it is very sad. But I fully believe this society teaches women to think like this, to act like this, and to believe that we all need a man if we’re going to be found worthy.

    • Kathryn, I agree that society conditions women to think they need a man. But I do think women are capable of stopping and thinking. Of changing their world. It’s not easy. It’s probably the hardest thing in the world to do. To go against the grain. But we’ve done it before. And we need to do it again. There are great guys out there who don’t cheat or lie or mistreat women. Yes, the known feels so much safer, but it’s not. I hope women realize that the pressures of society are what kept us in hoop skirts and unable to own property. Society isn’t the best judge of things. It’s a ton of pressure, but it’s up to each woman to live the life she wants to live not the life she’s told to aspire to.

  3. kford2007 says:

    I must be the oddball because when this happened to me years ago, I blamed the guy 100%. He made the choice to cheat. I dumped him so fast. The look on his face was priceless. The begging for me to forgive him was pathetic at best. Great post.

  4. themadgayman says:

    OMGoodness, thank you for writing this. I never understood why women never held their men accountable.

    • It makes zero sense to me. And then the fighting to keep him. Like he’s such a prize. He should be fighting to keep his girlfriend/wife and she should be kicking him to the curb.

      • themadgayman says:

        Exactly. I’m not saying men cannot change, but I can’t stand women who do not hold their men accountable. Sadly, it happens on the gay side of life as well.

        • People can change, but they have to want to change. They have to not like themselves enough to put the time and effort in to alter who they are. And insta-change is bullshit. If he promises it won’t happen again, he should have to re-earn the woman’s trust and love. And if he isn’t willing to put in the time, good riddance.

          It’s such a frustrating thing to me. I’ve seen wonderful friends stay in bad relationships and be rude to the other woman if they happen to cross paths, but the guy “it wasn’t his fault.” UGH!

          I’ve seen it happen with my gay friends too. So upsetting to watch a great person allow themself to be mistreated.

          • themadgayman says:

            Exactly. I’m not perfect. There are things in my history that I’ve done, but I take responsibility in my actions and I do my best to make up for my mistakes.

          • No one is. I think perfection is overrated. ๐Ÿ™‚ Taking responsibility and making amends are the marks of a very mature person. ๐Ÿ™‚

            I’ve been that girl who forgave and fought over a boy who didn’t deserve me. It was my first relationship and I was stupid. But I learned from that mistake. It’s seeing grown woman in their mid 20s, 30s and even 40s perpetuating this behavior that drives me batty. How do you not learn your lesson?

          • themadgayman says:

            They’re “dick-matized”? lol

  5. I totally agree with you. The person who is cheated on does not want to believe that their significant other is at fault. When my ex-wife cheated one while I was deployed knew that both were to blame. It takes two to cheat and both parties are at fault.

    Thank you for sharing.

  6. La La says:

    You’re right, I guess I never noticed this before. If that ever happens to me, I will keep it in mind (just before I send them both to their graves).

    • LOL. That’s what I am talking about. Holding each person accountable. ๐Ÿ™‚ Though it always struck me as wrong for the women to turn around and fight over the guy. Because a lying cheating man is such a wonderful commodity.

  7. I imagine that the person who is cheated on doesn’t want to believe their partner would do such a thing. But I agree with you 1000%.

    Infidelity seems to result from problems within the relationship, but that doesn’t justify it. And people don’t accidentally fall in love and into bed with another… I hate hearing “It just happened!” Unless one is having a psychotic break or is heavily drugged, doubtful.

    • I get the initial anger at the other woman. The denial of what the person you loved did to you. But the ability to overlook the boyfriend’s betrayal and focus on the other woman as the object of your hate. That makes zero sense to me.

      I’ve never understood being too cowardly to end a relationship but so cruel that you would scar someone by betraying them like that. LOL. “It just happened” is the mark of a selfish self-absorbed person who won’t be held accountable for their actions. Those three words should send any sane person running for the door. Those are the only circumstances when it just happened might apply. But unless he’s got medical papers to back it up, I wouldn’t buy it.

  8. crubin says:

    Thank you for verbalizing what I have always believed. Does the man have no control? Is he such a dimwit that a woman can whisk him away with no play on his part? Of course not. And if it was the case, then men should have no role in higher positions. They should stay at home with puzzles and games to keep their helpless minds busy.

    Please. I’m pretty sure men would be offended by such a notion as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • And if he has no control, maybe he has no business being allowed out in society. If he is not responsible for his actions, he should be under constant care to guard against these “accidents.” I love the image of him at home playing with puzzles. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I can’t stand that women allow men to get away with this behavior. But someone can only mistreat you if you let them.

  9. Loved this post. Serious food for thought. I do agree with what you say, and I do believe each person is responsible for their own actions. It isn’t up to us to keep someone in line, it is up to them to walk the line. If they can’t, or won’t, then we should look elsewhere for companionship. Just sayin’

    • Prudence, thanks for stopping by! ๐Ÿ™‚ Exactly. People have to be able to take responsibility for their choices and having an affair is a choice. I don’t quite get why anyone would choose to stay with someone like that, but that’s their choice. But when they forgive the cheating significant other and keep hating on the other woman–that’s just hypocrisy to me.

  10. jmmcdowell says:

    Well said, Kourtney. It’s one of those things that people have to change for themselves. Much as some people might try, we can’t legislate good behavior or change overnight as a society. It takes many people acting on their own to really effect change.

    Everyone needs to take responsibility for his or her actions. And as long as people keep getting away with something, there’s no incentive to change.

    • Great points JM! It really is up to each betrayed woman to stand up for herself. To hold the man who betrayed her accountable for his actions. She can be angry with the other woman. But make sure the brunt of the responsibility is shouldered by the guy. Unfortunately everyone isn’t equipped with a functioning moral compass. I don’t think you can legislate respect and honorable behavior either. But you can cut someone off is they disrespect you and treat you dishonorably. It’s not easy. But sometimes the hardest choices are the best ones. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Great points JM! It really is up to each betrayed woman to stand up for herself. To hold the man who betrayed her accountable for his actions. She can be angry with the other woman. But make sure the brunt of the responsibility is shouldered by the guy. Unfortunately everyone isn’t equipped with a functioning moral compass. I don’t think you can legislate respect and honorable behavior either. But you can cut someone off is they disrespect you and treat you dishonorably. It’s not easy. But sometimes the hardest choices are the best ones. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Great points JM! It really is up to each betrayed woman to stand up for herself. To hold the man who betrayed her accountable for his actions. She can be angry with the other woman. But make sure the brunt of the responsibility is shouldered by the guy. Unfortunately everyone isn’t equipped with a functioning moral compass. I don’t think you can legislate respect and honorable behavior either. But you can cut someone off is they disrespect you and treat you dishonorably. It’s not easy. But sometimes the hardest choices are the best ones. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. It's the little things that make life great.berry says:

    Wow. Are u mad. Men can be bad. But woman also cause problems. It takes two. Always.
    Willing man & woman. Trouble. But some men worse than others. My man got caught. He is not innocent but other person just as guilty. So be careful what you wish for. It comes with a price.

    • Berry, it is something that really angers me. I could understand the anger at the other woman as long as it is also directed at the man who betrayed the woman. But the woman seems to focus all her rage on the other woman to the point that the man is not even held accountable. That smacks of wrongness to me. The man made the promises. The man is the one who betrayed his girlfriend/wife. Yes, he did it with another woman. But she’s not the one who betrayed the girlfriend/wife. He is. Unless the wife/girlfriend actually are friends with the other woman–then ofc she is also betraying the wife/girlfriend.

      Any woman who gets involved with a married man or a man who is in a committed relationship should be held accountable for her choice. But if I had to break it down I’d say 20% is on her and 80% is on the man. So why does the other woman bear 80% of the stigma and the wrath of the wife?

  12. Ottabelle says:

    I agree. and i could see myself soap boxing about this but my brains foggy and I’d probably stumble a lot.

    As for the “other woman” why do you want a man you know cheats?

  13. I agree, it’s always confused me that the man doesn’t get all the blame – he’s the one in a relationship, he’s the cheater! I hope this didn’t happen to you hun!

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